I used to hate school sometimes. I’d be going to a class and on the way there I would think to myself, “just another class to get through without feeling like I understand anything...” Why did I feel that way? One of the reasons was I’d go to a class packed full of 100 or so students. What would happen during these sessions? I would see students with real confidence compete with each other to ask the questions that were necessary to complete their understanding. I saw students who ENSURED that they were going to understand the material because they were willing to risk embarrassment by asking seemingly simple questions. But at the time I was going to school, did I get inspired to be just as fearless when I witnessed this behavior? I did not. I made excuses for being weak. I thought, “you know it’s not fair that these few students take up all the question time so then I can’t ask my own questions.” The truth was I didn’t have any of my own questions prepared. I would think, “that guy who keeps asking questions must not be paying attention to what the instructor is saying because I get this concept without asking any questions!” The truth was that I was just as lost as he was. Somewhere deep in my mind I admired the guy but I couldn’t admit that to myself for whatever fucked up reason. I would think, “these people must have no shame or self-awareness of how rude they are if they interrupt the teacher.” The truth was I didn’t have the guts to slow the instructor down when it was obvious that most of the class was lost.
Eventually I figured out that I could either continue in this this miserable, pathetic way or I could emulate the students I secretly admired. I started sitting in the front. Shakily, I started asking questions during class. I learned how to ask the students who were better than I was for help. I began to speak more openly in discussions. My insecurities would come back to me still. Sometimes still, I would think, “this girl right now who is asking this long winded question just loves hearing herself speak, doesn’t she?” But what was different this time around is that I’d notice that this thought was simply another silly insecurity, and I’d defeat it by saying, “what is more likely Kelan? That this girl just wants everyone to know how smart she is, or that she’s attempting to understand the material by having the courage to think out loud and bounce her ideas off of the professor?”
I can tell you that after I stopped making assumptions about people, like telling myself the LIE that students who got ENGAGED in class were just attention whores, I became a lot happier and a lot more pleasant to be around. But it took work, and that work wasn’t easy. I had to see my insecurities for what they were, and then start doing things that I wasn’t comfortable doing, like showing up early to guarantee myself a seat in the front of the class. I had to continually fight my own thoughts and question how I was perceiving things.
So cast aside your expectation that happiness should come easy, and enjoy the pursuit.