RiL3z.github.io

I Don't Want Your Help

"It's ok if you need help or need someone to talk to about something that's on your mind. You can always talk to me!" These are kind words. Sweet words. Selfless words. I am always flattered and a little embarrassed when someone shows that they are thinking about how they can help me. I am very grateful to receive such words. I try to express my gratitude for people thinking of me in this way but I'm afraid in casual conversation I fail to convey that very effectively. I think this happens because my consistent response to that is this: "I'm very lucky to have you as a friend since you are thinking of my well-being, but I won't be asking for help from you anytime soon. If I become really overwhelmed by something I'll make sure to reach out, but the chances of that happening are very slim." Unfortunately, refusing peoples' offers to help me deal with my mental problems in this manner seems to generate a lot of confusion since it leaves a lot open to interpretation. That is my fault, and I should really clarify what I mean when I say that so people don't get the wrong idea.

When I say "I don't need your help," or any of the various versions of that, I think there's two prevailing notions of me that people tend to walk away with:

• I'm just trying to show off that I believe I don't have any personal or mental problems. By refusing to accept help, I'm just masking over my deeper issues with a thin veneer of stoicism that will crack at any moment.
• I think that the person offering help won't be able to effectively help me. I think the person is too incompetent be a good source of help.

There is a third notion behind saying "I don't want your help," however, that I think some people miss. Sure, it could be true that I only say "I don't need help," to try and put up a wall to shield prying eyes from my problems, giving you the impression that I'm living some perfect life. If that's your notion of me, you should be asking me some questions to find out if that's what I'm actually doing though, instead of jumping to conclusions. Think about it. If you were genuinely curious about what I think my own problems are, you'd just ask. Maybe it's more fun for you to believe I'm faking it for social media though. Here are some questions and answers.

• "What do you believe your biggest problem is?"
  My biggest problem is whenever I try to do something that requires just even a tiny bit of bravery I think about all the ways in which my attempt will go wrong. I misuse my incredible power for imagination (yes I'm bragging a little get over it) to give birth to hundreds of negative and horrific outcomes. All this rumination on what could go wrong leaves me paralyzed with fear and so many of life's opportunities have passed me by as a result. Here's a concrete example of something I struggle with DAILY at work out of pure fear. In my cushy corporate job, there are lots of meetings. In a lot of these meetings I don't do enough preparation work to come into them with the right questions in mind. Because I don't have a plan or understand the broader context of the meeting, I have no confidence in asking questions. Because I have no confidence to ask questions, when the meeting comes to a close and the mandatory question "Are there any questions?" gets asked by the leader, I shake my head and mutter "No." under my breath because I just want to get the hell out of there. It's a lie that I tell on daily basis and I hate myself every time I do it. I need to start speaking up but I'm struggling to find the courage to do it, just like I struggled in school. The worst part is, I thought I defeated this weakness long ago but I clearly haven't. So I need to start taking steps to build my confidence up, yet again. I need to start assembling questions and being prepared. I need to pose preliminary questions about the context of the meeting before it takes place to my team members. I need to learn how to do this all over again but I'm struggling. I think about how people will perceive me if I ask a simple question. I think about stuttering and fumbling over my words and how that will make me look. I think about wasting other people's valuable time as they have to sit there and listen to me hem and haw as I formulate my thoughts.
• "What are your weaknesses?"
  Look, I'm having a hard enough time finishing this paper without listing out every little damn thing that's wrong with me but here's a starting list:
  • Too loud when it's important to be quiet.
  • Too quiet when it's important to be loud.
  • Dismissive and abrasive in conversation.
  • Unfocused and undisciplined in things that matter ALOT. Really focused and disciplined in things that don't matter too much.
  • Little consideration for others mental state when giving them advice.
  • It feels good to me to be angry and intimidating in the heat of some moments.
  • I don't give a damn about anyone's excuses, even if they might be legitimate barriers to their success.
  • Extremely surly and a hard-ass.
  • Extremely high expectations of others that often leads to disappointment and bitterness.
• "When's the last time to you failed in a big way?"
  I promised to hang with a friend Friday night. I made a commitment and I said to myself, "I'm not going to break it." Friday rolled around and I was dog tired by the end of work. I texted my friend, "Hey how you doing?" at 5:23pm. I fell asleep and missed my friend's text back at 8:59pm. If I wasn't a doofus I would have at least said, "Hey I know I said I'd hang tonight but I'm truly tired so I won't be able to make it." That would have let them know right away that I couldn't do it. Instead I texted "hey," and gave them a false impression that I'd be down to hang, when really I was busy preparing to go to bed. If I was the man I want to become, I would of sucked up being tired so I could be there for my friend. Some will say "Oh come on, that's normal. That's not a big deal. That's not a real fail." For you maybe not. For me it is. I hold myself to a high standard.
• "Do you ever feel disappointed in yourself?"
  See the comments above. If you don't see my disappointment with myself in those words, I don't know what to say to convince you that I believe I have issues.

So now that I've got some folks convinced that I think I have problems, those folks will say, "Wow, ok, you can admit you have some issues! Let me help you!" My is answer is still no. Even though you might understand that I have problems that I'm willing to admit to, you might still be, understandably, confused. If I'm still refusing help, it must because I think those offering help aren't going to offer it in a way that's valuable to me. Wrong. I welcome advice too. The people who want to share their experience with me about how they dealt with some of the same mental struggles I currently deal with are great people offering legitimate help. I appreciate their desire to want to help me.

But...

I don't want help because I believe, all the way from the top of my soul to the bottom of it, that in order for me to overcome these issues that I struggle with and become the FORCE OF NATURE I want to become, I must do it alone. I want to foster a sense of independence. I want to develop myself to such an extent that I don't need to rely anyone else, as far that is possible. I constantly visualize, in my own head, what kind of man could stand in the center of a packed stadium of 50,000 people that hate him and still have the confidence to know what he did and what he will do. I wonder, what kind of man would have the courage to smile at that crowd's jeering faces? What if I could be that type of man? I dream of being that man. Scoff at that if you'd like and become a contributor to my dream in the process. I want to suffer in silence. I want to deal with problems by myself. I don't want someone else to lighten the load on my shoulders. I want to struggle with seeking the answers out on my own. I want to bump into walls in the dark and I want to refuse the temptation of taking the extra flashlight that my friend has packed for me. I want to build myself up from scratch and tear myself down and do it all over again. This kind of process is what makes me happy. I can't explain it any more than that except to say it's just in my nature to want this for myself. Most people don't even want or can't understand why I want that.

So, when I inevitably say "No." to your offer of help, remember why I'm doing it. It's not because I'm afraid that you'll spoil my image of myself if I accept it. It's not because I think your help isn't useful. It's because refusing your help and forcing myself and myself alone to grapple with my problems is the best method for growing myself into the person I want to become.