"You seem so confident." This phrase can be interpreted in a couple different ways. I tend to think that because of the emphasis on the word, seem, that someone who says this to me is basically saying that my confidence is operating only on the surface level. That is, I project confidence only because I want to give people the impression of confidence, but I don't actually believe in my own ability in any deep or meaningful way.
If I seem confident it's because I am confident. I am going to live the life I have envisioned for myself. I am going to do that because I have done the very uncomfortable introspection of observing what I'm really motivated by and what I really want to get out of life. I have invested the thought that is necessary to settle on what my principles are. I practice discipline and self-control. I'm not afraid of sweat. I take small painful steps out of my comfort zone and inch closer to the man I want to be little by little every day. I don't have any illusions about how lofty my goals are and how much work it's going to take to achieve them. It's going to be a long, nasty, winding path of thorns, sharp rocks, steep hills and confusing mazes. I love that. There are whispers of a bad economy coming? Good. If it does come then that's an opportunity for me to practice fiscal responsibility and spartan living. Didn't receive the promotion I wanted? Good. There's an opportunity there for me to establish better communications with my manager and to figure out what I could do to better my chances next year. But how do I really know that I'll accomplish my goals? The hard truth is that anything in this life is never 100% sure. So, in light of that fact, why do I still believe so fervently in myself? It's because I consistently challenge myself and during those challenges I continually rediscover that I'm a capable human being. I make mistakes and my insecurities and weaknesses get exposed but I still make it home at the end of day. I make mistakes everywhere, frequently, and in massive volume.
I go biking long distances. I load my backpack up too heavily in preparation for a bike ride and suffer with the consequences of that for 75 miles. I get yelled by other cyclists for bad biking etiquette. I run into a buck in the rut on the trail before light and stop fifty yards away from him. I start to beak out in cold a sweat in the surrounding darkness from fear as he freezes, stares at me for a few moments, and then turns around and prances off, showing his leafy looking white tail and brown asshole off to me in the process. I hit a patch of acorns as I slowly take a corner and my front wheel snaps to the left unexpectedly and I fall down. People walking on the sidewalk up a hill shake their heads as I speed past them on the bike path going the opposite way downhill at 20 mph without a helmet. When I get home my shoulders hurt, my leg is scraped up, and I feel bad about the asshole move I made on the bike trail that rightfully pissed people off. The next time I ride I pack lighter. I give myself plenty of time and space when passing someone on the trail and make sure to use better hand signaling. I run into a doe in the early morning light and feel a little less fear as I pause to stop and start to admire her. I pay closer attention to upcoming parts of the trail as I scan for acorns. I remember that I should really buy myself a helmet.
I haul, split, and stack wood in the bitter cold for a day. I'll go out and handle fire wood in weather that's 20 degrees with no gloves on. I challenge myself to try and pick up a piece of wood that's too heavy for me to handle with one hand and it slips from my numb fingers and lands on my foot. Sometimes I swing the splitting maul down upon a piece with all my might only for it to bounce off an embedded nail I didn't see. When I hit the nail my hands feel like they're about to shatter into pieces as I grip down too hard on an axe handle that's vibrating back and forth violently from the rebounding force. I bring the split the wood inside of the house at the end of the day and my Dad loads it into the stove, heats up some venison stew for me, and then dishes me out a bowl as he thanks me for my hard work. The next time I lumberjack, I pick up heavy pieces I know I can't handle with just one hand with two hands instead. I carefully inspect the wood I'm chopping for fasteners and accurately aim my maul to avoid hitting them but still split the wood in a decent spot. I focus on splitting a little more efficiently instead of making such a damn show of it by wasting all my energy with every swing.
I go sailing in the hot sun without sunscreen. I try to cinch the sheet line down but I mess up and it slips out through a pulley and now I have a line free from it's gear whipping back in forth in the wind and lashing my face and body as I try to retrieve it back. I sail into shallow water and involuntarily kiss the hull when the boat stops quite abruptly from grounding into the sand. I try to impress a pontoon boat full of hot girls in bikinis by making a bad tack close to them. I stall out in the wind, and start drifting with no control towards their boat only to miss them by a few merciful inches all the while sputtering "Sorry! So sorry...," out of a face whose cheeks have turned quite an interesting color. I get home with burnt skin and a little more reverence for the skills involved in sailing. The next time I sail I'm tan. I pay attention to the sheet line and make sure it's secure before letting it go and cruising. I sail slowly into shallow water and bring the center board up. I practice judging the wind better and spend an hour just focusing on tacking far away from any pretty lounging mermaids.
When I continually make mistakes, admit that I made them, address them properly and fix them, all in the pursuit of these activities, I do a little bit better at sailing, splitting wood, or long distance biking every time I come back to do them. Going through this process of learning about myself, where I learn where I'm weak, where I learn how my buttons get pushed, where I learn about what I need focus on when performing certain tasks, builds immense confidence. It's continual reinforcement of the fact that if I just keep genuinely trying to learn, that I'll keep getting better at something and eventually I'll be good enough to reach my goals in that area. It's affirming in a way that makes me become even more confident with every experience that I have, whether that be working out, writing, reading, or something as simple as snow shoveling. Yes, I even turn snow shoveling into a confidence building activity when mother nature gives me the chance.
Do I waste my time on less inspiring activities too? Oh do I ever. Do I spend a good part of my Sunday morning chasing my swiping quota on tinder. You betchya. Do I lay in bed just to lay in bed and do nothing because that's what I want to do. Sure do. Do I go on Facebook and Twitter purposely looking for stupid posts to get angry at so I can feel superior to someone else. Guilty as charged. Do I go out drinking too much and waste half of the next day guzzling water and coffee in attempt to get my ass squared away so I can do something more productive. Been there.
I get some pushback from people for being so confident. Some of these people are out in the world. Some of them exist only in my imagination. Most days I can keep the nay-sayers in the world and the ultimate nay-sayer in my head, myself, separate in my mind, but sometimes they blend together and become indistinguishable. Sometimes my anger gets directed at someone who doesn't really exist, an imaginary straw-man of sorts. The straw-man says things like;
Sometimes this is all said in jest. Most of the time people say it out of concern for me, which I view as sweet at first but it can become annoying if people keep suggesting something is seriously wrong with me even after I explain why there's good reason behind why I think and do things the way I do. Sometimes people are saying it because they think I have a tough guy complex. You'd be damn right. And I'm proud of it. Let me know when you figure out what exactly is wrong with mashing your teeth together and pushing through bullshit sometimes.
I've decided to stop pathologizing myself and to stop letting others pathologize me. If you don't know what pathologize means that's ok. Crack open a dictionary and start living with some damn confidence.