I'll tell you I'm fine when I'm not. I'll tell you I'm not afraid when I am. I'll tell you I don't hurt when I do. I'll tell you I'm not angry when I am. I'll tell you I don't need help when I do. Why? Is it because I'm trying to put up a façade of resiliency so you'll think I'm "the man"? Am I just lying to you so you think I'm tough? No. It's because when I hurt, the best thing I can do to develop my toughness is to convince myself, "No, I don't hurt. This ain't shit. Give me more." By saying to someone else or to myself that I'm fine when I feel bad, I actually start to believe it. When I believe that I'm fine just after feeling really bad, I'm tougher. My tolerance for pain and mental struggle just went up a small notch. I think that's fucking awesome!
I have an expectation of myself to be a hard-ass. Resilient. Did I develop this expectation because that's what society expects of men and me? No. I set this expectation because I choose that for myself. In fact, the more I express myself, the more I realize that society wants me to a pussy. When I lock myself in a room, free from the cacophony of the outside world, and I examine what's in my heart, what I see is someone who desperately desires to become a gritty son-of-a-bitch. I've come to terms with that desire, and I'm not afraid of it anymore.
I think it's healthier for me to analyze my own emotional problems and ponder about how to handle them rather than burdening someone else by complaining about my problems to others in the hope that they understand and will give me some solid advice. When it comes to dealing with my emotions, I have the final say.
I value peace and quiet so I can focus on my work. If I want to seriously focus on something, I lock myself in a room where I cannot be disturbed.
I get together with the boys and we talk shop about sex, politics, and life. We weave into our conversation many a sexist or racist joke. We talk about pussies, bitches, sluts, beauties, assholes, bimbos, whiners, weaklings, fucktards, trophy wives, greaseballs, faggots, hipsters, nerds, wankers, and studs. We'll usually converse over whiskey or beer and, on some special occasions, cigars.
I laugh heartily at Louis C.K., Joe Rogan, and Bill Burr as they crack some of the most obscene, degrading, and sexist jokes that one can imagine. I take the time to think about the little nuggets of truth embedded in their silly antics.
I take great pleasure in pissing people of when I don't conform to their view of who I should strive to be. This is my life, and I own it. If you tell me I should be someone else, I'll quietly nod in agreement as you ramble on while I think to myself, "this person doesn't really understand what I'm trying to accomplish, do they?" I do not view myself as someone who needs to be 'fixed.' I do view myself as someone who is on a journey to improve himself.
Do I have fragile ego? Sometimes, sure. I can get offended or get my panties in a bunch if someone tells me that I'm doing something wrong and I realize that they're right. That hurts and it can be hard for me to admit my flaws in that moment. I usually come around and see the light after a bit of reflection, however.
I admire a man who takes care of his body seriously with good food and hard exercise. You're kidding yourself if you think that how you look on the outside is no indication of what kind of person you are on the inside. A UFC fighter's shredded body is direct reflection of their training. Tell me, do you think someone who has suffered through training to a point where they look like lean animal who just emerged from the jungle hasn't had anything good happen to their mentality in the process? I feel bad for you if you're naïve enough to believe that bodily fitness has no say on who you are as person. Is having the appearance of being fit the whole story about a person? Of course not. I understand that people are much more than what they look like as well. But to say physical fitness is not relevant at all when assessing someone, is foolish.
I respect a man who you do not want to fuck with physically. I want to become a man who could handle himself in fight and could deter someone else from fighting me. I feel good when I cast a look into someone's eyes and they can't look straight back at me. It means they fear me and that makes me feel powerful. I want someone who's thinking about starting some shit to look at me and think to themselves, "You know that guy looks like more trouble than it's worth. I'll go pick on someone else." When I come into the room with a woman on my arm, I want her to feel safe and protected. To become this man, I have to get over my own insecurities of looking dumb. I have to start training in jiu-jitsu and dabbling in boxing, wrestling, and Muay Thai. But I haven't started because I'm a little bitch who's scared and needs to humble himself by starting to train in these arts. And no, my self-confidence doesn't crumble to the ground when I call myself a little bitch. I can handle that kind of self-talk. I find power in it. Think that's weird? Good.
I admire those who have gained the skills to become effective hunters, lumberjacks, sailors, hikers, bikers, climbers, fitness freaks, professional fighters and warriors.
I purposely make things harder than they need to be. I don't use gloves when I grip the barbell. That's for ninnys. I want my hands to get a little shredded up on the knurl as the bar twists in my hands. I'll go running in blizzard with a sore ankle just for the hell of it. I'll get so focused on writing that I won't eat for a day and a half.
I'll tell you what I think regardless of the potential consequences. I don't care if you're a manager or leader and there's pressure to express myself in a certain way. I don't care about making people uncomfortable. If there's something that I think is important to say, I'll say it, and it will come out mostly unfiltered. Of course I'm mature enough to realize that there are times when I should bite my tongue, but it something really bothers me, I get raw.
Getting laid and the dating life is a game of persuasion. Hot girls expect guys to chase them and men throw their whole toolbox at women to win their favor. Men do this by signaling their status, exploits, personality, and humor. There are exceptions to the rule obviously. If you're a woman and you wear the pants of your relationship, awesome! Just don't expect the same of me, please. And no, wanting to "wear the pants" in the relationship is not an indicator that I want dominating control over my significant other, it's just stating that I'll do the snow shoveling if you do the laundry.
Do I believe that all men should adopt the "don't be a pussy" mentality, and that if they don't, they're just pussies themselves? No. There's plenty of room in this life for all different kinds of men. I'm very glad that the ladies can consult with their gay friends for sympathy in their struggles because God knows I'd be horrible at that. And no, I'm not minimizing gay people or women when I observe that many women have gay friends they like to talk to. Obviously I'm aware that women do more than gossip with their gay friends (They also make sandwiches!) and gay men are more than just listeners. They are a diverse set of people with all the accompanying complexities that come along with human-hood. I'm just making a bit of humor out of the situation. I harbor no belief that every other man should adopt my mindset, and that other men are somehow lesser human beings if they choose their own path, separate from mine. I can only hope that people stop to think about who they really are and who they really want to be, and that they pursue that goal to the fullest. Maybe we'd be living in a much different world if everyone did that!