RiL3z.github.io

The Accountability Mirror

This morning I was rushing through my routine in the bathroom a little mindlessly and I couldn't help but feel that something was off. A feeling came over me like I was missing something, like I was overlooking something very important. I looked up at my mirror and realized it's tagged with a whole bunch of commitments that I've made for myself. I then understood where that feeling like I was missing something was coming from. It's been a little while since I stopped to seriously consider what I wrote down on those scraps of paper I have taped to my mirror. It's understandable since I'm a busy guy but that's no excuse for me not to slow down, reflect, and do an honest assessment about my progress towards these commitments. I think now is an appropriate time for that process to occur.

The commitment at the top of the note stack is a simple one. It says:

Action: Ask more questions and stop feeling fear.

I made this commitment mainly out of dissatisfaction with my inability to overcome my fear of asking questions during job meetings that are moving quickly and where I don't understand the broader points of the conversation. I do not like the feeling of not knowing what people are talking about but I get that feeling a lot on my job. I also made this commitment to reaffirm my belief that I am allowed to ask questions in casual conversation. If people get offended because my questions are "inappropriate", even when they're DIRECTLY related to the topic at hand, this note reminds me that they can go fuck themselves.

As far as the meaningful progress towards this goal since I made it, I've definitely asked and had answered a few important questions I've had, but I'm still not very impressed with my overall ability to do this very important thing on my job. In casual conversation I'm very cavalier so I'm proud of myself in that area. I would say there's a lot of work left to do in order for me to bring the same confidence that I have in casual conversation into the workplace.

Commitment number 2 is this:

Action: Stop going on your phone during work. Keep your focus narrow.
Why: Going on my phone during work is a pathetic way of distracting myself from the work that's going to propel me forward in my career.
A2

I made this commitment out of dissatisfaction with myself when I have a job task that I'm not very enthusiastic about completing and I use my phone as a crutch to avoid biting the bullet and tackling the task I've been assigned. I'll jump on Facebook or Twitter and start scrolling around looking for things to get distracted by and to put my energy towards. I'll look for an article or post to get pissed off at. I'll rationalize this behavior to myself by saying that if some writing comes out of it, at least I'm being productive in some manner. Although that rationalization has some truth to it, and it's certainly better then just mindlessly clicking the like button on everything I agree with, I'd much rather be known as a man who can follow through and execute when the business he's working for depends on it.

I have been better at noticing when I'm getting distracted and I have been better at disciplining myself when this is occurring. I sometimes wonder what my co-workers are thinking when they see me slam my phone facedown on my desk and swear at myself. I still get on my phone and see something that sparks my writing flame, however. In these instances, I notice that I'm getting distracted from work, acknowledge that, and write like I shouldn't anyways. If I get so fired up about something that I think I should write, then I let myself go on a tear because I have found that to be a very therapeutic process that is important for a person like myself to engage in so that I can stay mentally healthy.

Commitment number 3:

Action: Stop lying to impress people.
Why: Lying leads to corruption, corruption leads to suffering. Remember the gulag.
A3

I made this commitment because I hate myself when I lie. I don't think people understand just how much telling even a simple white lie affects me. If I tell someone I got up at 4:30am sharp when the reality was that I laid awake in bed from 4:30am-4:45am and THEN finally mustered up the courage to get out of bed, that is something that will bother me to the point where I don't get good sleep. I have found telling people who I don't know well that I can't sleep when something bothers me is a surefire way to send whomever I'm talking to towards the nearest exit. If the core of my belief system could be summed up in one word, the word would be honesty. Through reading and listening to a few podcast topics on the subject of lying, I have come to be convinced that the logical conclusion of lying is the formation of a hell that I never want to be implicated in the creation of. Some people think that's extreme or that I'm making lying out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. I usually suggest to those people that they listen to this J.B.P. clip. I know the majority of people won't watch it but I still have hope that it will scare some people straight.

Truth be told, I've always been proud of my ability to tell the truth when it matters. Have I been 100% truthful in all of my interactions with people? Of course not. But if there IS one thing that is true about me, it's that I constantly check on myself to make sure I'm telling people what I know to be true (which may not always be in line with reality, but telling your truth is the next best thing). I mainly keep this note on my accountability mirror as a reminder to remain vigilant against lying.

Commitment 4:

Action: Ask your peers if they'd like help. Find out what they're interested in accomplishing and assist them!
Why: Helping others try to achieve their goals contributes to something greater than yourself. Feel good about trying to make the world a better place!
A4

I made this commitment because I tend to be a very introverted character that has a lot of trouble asking others if they'd like assistance with their own tasks. I'm rather obsessed with my own goals and often forget that that I'd respect myself more if I just nutted up and asked people if there's anything that they are struggling through that I could help with, whether that be at work or just in general.

Progress in this area has actually been good, despite my constant struggle fighting my own social anxiety when I approach someone to ask how they're doing with their work or in life. I've been a lot more willing than I have in the past to accept working on tasks that I don't find interesting because I know doing so will help someone else. I have taken ownership of a few things at work that I might normally say no to because I know that being so young and full of energy that I can take some more menial tasks off of the more senior guys' shoulders and that means they can focus their energy and attention on things that matter more for the success of the business. It makes me very proud that I am starting to take the steps to not be so bitter when I get work that I don't think is that meaningful and I'm still able to follow through with it and contribute to it in a meaningful manner.

Commitment 5:

Action: Stop complaining.
Why: Complaining is rumination without action. If something bothers you, figure out exactly what it is that's bothering you and seek a solution. Talk about problems in the service of solving them. Don't talk about problems simply to rant to others, or gather sympathy.
A5

I made this commitment because I've noticed I can become a rather passionate ranter in conversations about problems that I see in myself, others, and the wider world in general. Sometimes I get my fellow conversationalist all fired up and we both take a huge steaming shit on whatever thing, person, or policy we're frustrated by, but at the same time, a lot of times, there's no meaningful plan of action that comes out of those conversations because I'm too focused on expressing my anger when I should be more focused on seeking a solution to whatever is bothering me. These types of conversations basically just serve the purpose of allowing me and someone else to blow off some steam, which I recognize is necessary sometimes but I'd respect myself more if I toned down my proselytizing a little bit, at least in casual and workplace conversation. I've committed to allowing all my passion flow freely in my writing and YouTube videos, however.

Progress towards this goal is slow, I must admit. I have always been a very passionate person, to the point where I scare a lot of people when I speak about something that ticks me off. I've never become violent towards another person on a topic but I do like slamming my fist down on the table when I'm trying to make a point or slapping my knee and laughing up into the sky like a possessed maniac when someone shits on something I despise in a particularly artful way that tickles my sense of humor. I guess I can understand why I'm intimidating but at the same time I'm just being expressive. I have a lot of work left to do in this department and it's going to take small, tough, incremental steps to get to the point where I don't indulge in complaining just for the sake of feeling better about myself.

Commitment 6:

Action: Stop giving so much weight to everyone's opinions of what you should be doing with:

I made this commitment because everyone and their mother seems to want to give me the "magic" advice that's going to propel me forward in my life. I do not think people fully appreciate, nor will they ever, the amount of thought I put into how I should conduct myself in all areas of life. This shit keeps me up at night people. I write about it endlessly. I'm obsessed about the details and structure of my life. I understand that most of the time people just want to see me be successful so they want to give me advice, which is flattering, but I have found it to be mentally EXHAUSTING to try and weigh everyone's opinions of what I should be doing against each other to come out with the most logical answer. I've decided to quit following the advice of others, unless I ask for it, follow my inner voice, and become the man I dream of being. That being said, I can be quite rude to people who are just trying to help (I sometimes just walk off as a person is trying to talk to me because I don't want to hear their next revelation about me and my conduct) and it would serve me well to learn how to say, "Hey thanks for the help, I'll give that a try!" and then send whatever that person said into the trash bin, never to consider it again.

I think progress in this area has been steady, actually. I have been better at shutting the fuck up and listening to folks give me advice, better at thanking them for their time and energy, more considerate of their advice by taking it seriously if it has any indications of merit, and better at utilizing it to improve my own life and to help others. Still, there's massive improvements for me to make in this area, as there always is when it comes to anything social.

Commitment 7:

Talk to more cute girls. Give them a compliment. Say something funny. Make them look up from their phones every once in awhile. Look them in the eyes.
Why: Subvert expectations. Stop being a bitch. You want to get good at talking to women.
A7

I have found that sometimes I am a rather fun toy for women to play with in conversation. I don't like that so I want to change that. Perhaps I'm just good at getting myself into conversations with all the intelligent ladies who know how to push my buttons, however :). I have also made this commitment in order to cut through all the confusing advice from women I've received over the years regarding this topic. I'm going to talk to girls I think are hot because there's nothing wrong with that and I'm FUCKING DONE making myself feel guilty about being a damn man because of some random little comment about my manhood that some girl makes. By the way, if you think I'm blaming women for my troubles, please put your thinking cap on and read again. Notice how I emphasized that my own guilt about being dismissed by women is my own problem to grapple with.

I've been better at holding my ground in conversations with women at the bars and not giving in to whatever weird judgements they tend to make about me based on my looks, demeanor, principles, or tone of voice. I've been better at holding eye contact, although the assistance of whiskey certainly helps and is a bit of a crutch that I'd like to discard. I am better at not taking things so seriously and just flirting and having some fun, while staying away from heavy topics that are likely to trigger a negative emotional response, although my passion for the philosophy of life often leaves others feeling insecure about their own lives in conversations with me, even though that is not my objective at all when engaging someone in a talk about the finer points of life. I don't harbor any expectations that when I sit down to talk with a girl that I'm going to get laid that very night, although there's nothing wrong with a man that always has a little bit of hope that he'll get lucky. I am genuinely trying to have fun conversations and if that takes me past the talking phase, awesome. If not, awesome.

Commitment 8:

Action: Lock down your workout routine.
Why: Strong body = Strong mind. It's true and don't let others convince you otherwise.
A8

I made this a commitment as a protest against the idea that being mentally healthy and physically fit aren't at all connected somehow. This is an idea unfit people propagate to feel better about themselves. If you're reading this and you're offended, tough shit. Am I saying that you can't be mentally healthy and fat at the same time? Of course not! I'm perfectly willing to look at a person like Jack Black or any well gutted comic and how comfortable they are with themselves and admit that they don't need to workout like some possessed devil to feel good and healthy about themselves. If you're in a spot where this is a sensitive topic for you, just try a few gym routines though, for the love of god. The immensely strong connection between body and mind is undeniable in my view.

I won't lie I'm pretty good at kicking my own ass in the gym. However, recently I've noticed I've traded a bit of my cardio for bulk and ideally I'd like to keep my cardiovascular health in better order. I believe I can be both a muscular beast and a running beast if I placed a bit more emphasis on running again like I used to.

Commitment 9:

Action: Stop feeling guilt about success.
Why: You have been the greatest factor in our own success. Own it un-abashedly.
A9

I made this commitment because there was a recent phase in my life where I thought any feelings of pride over what I've done was just the egomaniac in me talking and that view generated immense guilt within me. I've decided I don't have much to feel guilty about. I have been a success (through failure, mind you) and it's time to take ownership of that fact. I want to carry myself with confidence and in order to do that I shall allow myself to feel a wonderful happiness about what I'm doing on a daily basis to contribute towards my goals, even if my contributions are not perfect.

Progress towards this goal has been steady, although I still catch myself feeling guilty about others emotional pain when they see that I am happy. It's dumb that I do this and I will stop.

Commitment 10:

Action: Be clear to others about your goals and motivations even if makes you or them uncomfortable.
Why: Letting people know who you are is the most honest way for people to decide what to do with you.
A10

I made this commitment because often when I explain my goals and motivations, I get a lot of resistance to the ideas I put forth. People seem to want to put limiters on me. So what I did in response to that was I stopped trying to have candid conversations about my goals with others. I tend to keep my goals to myself because they are precious to me and I am rather sensitive about someone being skeptical about them. I've decided, however, that it's time for me to build some mental resiliency. To do that I must state my goals as clearly and as concisely as possible to whomever will lend an ear, and if I receive resistance to it, I will accept that resistance as a great gift that I will use as jet-fuel to rocket me towards achievement.

Progress in this area has been rather stellar. My willingness to finally sit down and write about how I actually think and feel has clarified and solidified my arguments and reasoning behind my ambition. Being the beyond skeptical motherfucker that I am, having this solid base of reason behind my goals is giving me the confidence to face any resistance to my vision with a smile on my face.