When every decision about how I should act is burdened with the calculation of how others will feel or react as a result of that decision, I have found, more often than not, that I don't do whatever action I had in my heart to begin with. I know all too well that that when I start gnawing on the skin close to my fingernails that my mind is not my own anymore. It means I'm busy thinking about if what I want to do is going to have a negative impact on someone. My action will make person A feel guilty. Person B will be concerned for me. Person C will tell me I'm doing it the wrong way. It goes on and on and on. The potential negative consequences of my actions on others build and build in my mind and become an impenetrable wall reaching into the sky spray painted with the words, "Don't Do It!!!" In this way I extinguish the fire in my heart as soon as it was lit.
And so, because I don't follow my heart, I feel immense guilt squishing me down. I don't respect myself. I find myself smiling and laughing with people I don't like at jokes I don't understand. I become a slave to my desire for comradery and I become full of hatred that is pointed at myself. That is not how I want to live my life.
That being said, I have committed to stop wasting my time caring about if the next move I'm going to make is going to cause emotional panic for others.
I'm allowed to bare my teeth and check if my canines are still sharp with my thumb.
I'm allowed to slam my coffee cup onto the table.
I'm allowed to slap myself when I get frustrated.
I'm allowed to grunt and snarl on my runs.
I'm allowed to hit that piece of hardware that just won't work.
I'm allowed to laugh so loudly that it echoes off the walls.
I'm allowed to snap my neck in the gym in between sets.
I'm allowed to say what's on my mind and EXACTLY what's on my mind when I so choose.
I'm allowed to speak forcefully and evenly.
I'm allowed to wear a scowl and I'm allowed to twist my face into a grin that pisses you off.
I'm allowed to call myself a stupid little whiner bitch.
Some of you will look at this list of behaviors and you won't be able to reconcile the fact that I'm happier than I've ever been with how I behave. You have failed to recognize that I am the type of man who sets goals that are wholly his own, and that I see myself taking necessarily painful steps towards those goals and that gives me a feeling of victory that you will never be able to take away from me. I feel good when I grunt. I feel good when I get the chance to speak. I feel good when I get lost in a delightfully violent imaginary world while listening to my favorite music. Why else do you think I do these things?
Some of you will muse that my desire to become a hard man who walks tall with confidence has something to do with societal pressure. Some of you should learn to think before you speak. As far as I can tell, most people who make up this society would like nothing more than for me to capitulate to their own selfish desire for me to be a good, well-mannered, and well behaved boy in their presence. They care too much about what other people will think of them if they choose to hang out with a man who behaves like I do.
So, if you invite me to a shin-dig and you think you'll be able to discipline me by using your words to try and get me to be a person I'm not, instead what will happen is that you'll find yourself in the midst of an animal who's going to make you feel embarrassed in front of your friends. I do not suffer from your judgements anymore so your embarrassment will not become my embarrassment.
My mind is my own. You do not occupy parts of it, turning it into fragments. I'm kicking you out. I'm free.