I've been reading Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules For Life and in it, he suggests that the reader articulate their own particular versions of Heaven and Hell. Taking up his suggestion and contrasting how good my life could be with how insufferable it could become will clarify exactly what I'm trying to run towards and what I'm trying to run away from.
I'm always trying to catch a fleeting glimpse of my beautiful wife but this is far too difficult for my taste because she moves so swiftly to and froe. Despite the fact that I've seen her a thousand million times before, sometimes I find myself stuck to the floor with my feet, not knowing where to go or what to do besides marvel at the sparkle in her eyes. When I step into my house after a long but satisfying day at work my son or daughter has been waiting in ambush behind the couch just so they can pop out, run up to me, and start shouting about something they did at school that they're extremely proud of because they'll know that I won't want to hear the end of it. Little reminders like that, sprinkled in throughout every day remind me of how lucky I am. I've endured some trials to earn this woman's love and as a reward I get to start a family with her. Slowly and surely, and by no cheap means, I've built my body and mind into formidable shape. I wake up early, retire to bed early, and make little room for exceptions. Sometimes I go to bed later than I should and wake up the next day earlier than I should. Some days I'm a little more tired than I should be. But that small bit of sacrifice that I make on occasion reinforces my determination instead of creating cracks in it. I walk tall and with confidence that cannot be damaged. I know what I am capable of and where my weaknesses lie. I see them with clear eyes and they don't make me afraid of or angry at myself. I do not suffer from indecision. I do not waste any more time trying to make the perfect decisions because I have learned that it is better for me to make some decisions quickly and to digest the consequences of them than to live with the regret of not acting. I take what I learn from my mistakes and use it as fuel. I do not drink. I do not lean on the crutch of alcohol to feel good. I have won the long war of integrating my jet-fueled rage into my life, and I have done that integration in a way that makes me a better person. I no longer fear that people might notice the roaring flame in my eye. I hold myself to my own word and to the commitments I've carefully thought through and agreed to with others. I never lie. I do not fear the consequences of telling my truths anymore. I am aggressive and bold, but not in a sloppy way. I have conquered my social anxiety and do not worry what others think of me. I speak freely and openly about my opinions and do not hold back out of fear of others causing themselves pain when they turn my words into weapons to use against themselves. My finances are square and my house is clean. I am always seeking out new responsibilities and taking complete ownership of them. I have the courage to teach, not crush, bitter people who are jealous of what I've achieved. I have enough grace to know when to walk away from an argument but enough fortitude to know when to hold my ground.
Articulating Heaven is fairly easy. Anyone can imagine their ideal life because I think there is some agreement among most people that humans are full of wonderful potential. I think it is true that we are full of mind boggling amounts of positive potential, but I think the thing people like to avoid thinking about is that we are also equally full of bottomlessly dangerous and evil potential. It is much more fun to think about how good things could become and have conversations with people who share a somewhat similar vision about what their utopias could look like. People spend more time constructing fantasy lands that they like than thinking about all the possible Hells they could create for themselves. It is not much fun to think about the worst case and what each of us needs to do to guard against it happening in our own individual circumstances. Thinking about that would reveal that there is work to do, and this work isn't usually the kind of work that would spur you to leap out of bed in the morning. This kind of analysis reveals that there are seeds to plant, mountains to climb, and demons to slay. It makes it clear that there parts of ourselves that we cling to that are going to being very hard, perhaps even a life-long struggle, for us to let go of.
But defining Hell is important. In fact, for a person like myself, whose skepticism and cynicism reaches depths that I haven't fully revealed, getting a clear picture of Hell may be more important than anything else I try to do in my life. When you are a skeptic of everyone and everything but you enable yourself to fully appreciate what kind of miserable world you could create for yourself and exist in, you see your shortcomings and the graves you have a tendency to dig for yourself and you can think about how to avoid them. Will I be able to avoid my own flaws perfectly? No. I won't be able to come up with a perfect plan to prevent myself from failing in some truly hurtful ways. No one can. But I can at least make myself aware. I can look at myself in total; the good, bad, and ugly. I can see how a man with my imagination, skepticism, pragmatism, rage, and ability to stick with something in the long term and execute could use the raw materials of this life to construct a very beautiful vista indeed. But I also see how that same man could use that very same mind with those very same abilities to defeat himself. I see his ability to use his imagination to create a world in which he imagines that everyone is against him. I see his ability to use his skepticism as an excuse to avoid using the principle of charity so that he can assume that everyone has the wrong intentions behind their actions and words when there is reasonable room for uncertainty. I see his ability to use his pragmatism to rationalize that he shouldn't stray too far from what he knows, and that some of his goals might be too "unrealistic." I see his ability to become enraged in the wrong circumstances used to alienate, intimidate, and destroy the people around him. I see his ability to remain committed and how it could super-glue him to the wrong path for years and years and years.
Drinking is a problem for me. I do it because I feel I am a better version of myself when I partake. I'm a little kinder. I care much less about what others think so I'm more expressive. I have a good time. I laugh with folks and discover that I have a great capacity to socialize and be liked (but some of that is due, no doubt, to the fact that other people have an easier time liking me under the influence too). When I'm a little buzzed and in "the groove" I feel unstoppable. It's a great feeling that's more easily obtained with some whiskey in my veins. But I do not want to become dependent on a drug to muster up the courage to strike up a conversation with a stranger or say hi to a girl I find attractive. That is weak. I do not like the idea of having to rely on a drug to become personable so I have to deal with my social anxiety sober if I want to become the man I want to be. That is the best way for me to learn.
I could end up on the street. Some of you will read that and think I'm being overly dramatic. Even those of you who know me well will think that a driven person like me could never end up wandering up and down the strip, begging for quarters or a snicker's bar. My reply to you is this: You do not know me as well as I know myself. I know my capacity for bitterness and resentment and I know where it could lead. One of the reasons I walk the streets is to remind myself what I could become if I allow my cynicism to consume me: A dirty old man zigging and zagging down the strip, avoiding eye contact and muttering under his breath, "little bitch," as he walks past and observes a straightened out young man moving swiftly towards a goal with his chest puffed out and his head held high.
With these things in mind, it's finally time to explore how I would think and act if I were to allow my Hell to start gaining ground on me.
I'm trying so hard but nothing is working in my favor! Why does no one reward me for my strong work ethic? My work, family, and friends just aren't supportive enough. If they could only give me just some of their time and energy, I could be happy. Damn them! Why are they so selfish? I've done every major thing right but I'm still not where I want to be. Doesn't the universe owe me some base level of happiness for my good deeds? Never mind the fact that I've failed to define what that base level of happiness even looks like. I've been cheated. If I've tried so hard and still can't make things work, than it just must be the case that it's not in my fate for me to achieve the success I desire for myself. Perhaps it is better for me to forego my own interests anyways. I'll alienate my friends if I don't capitulate to them in some ways and I don't want to be "that asshole". I'm being a considerate person by side-stepping their emotional triggers, aren't I? Aren't I being good? I'll keep some of my opinions to myself. I don't want to make people feel bad and I know some of things I have to say can hurt so I'll just keep those things a secret. I don't want to cause any arguments or commotion after all, I just want us all to be happy! See, people, how good my intentions are? I'll preoccupy myself with what my circle is doing. They are good people. They seemed to have things figured out to a good degree. More than I do, anyway. It feels good to be with them too, since they support me! It feels warm and fuzzy here with these people. I feel safe here. Here I don't have to fear being made fun of or being challenged or confronting criticism. I lie a little bit. But everyone else does it a little too, and I do it less often, so I'm actually very good comparatively! A three mile run becomes a five mile run. At work, a pull request merge of some of my code into a code-base makes me an expert in that code-base. I tell one group of friends that politics is important while telling another group that politics doesn't mean anything while telling a third group that I haven't decided what the importance of politics is. It's no biggie that I lie a little here and there, right? No one notices anyways. If anyone does notice, I can just say I wasn't aware I was contradicting myself and people will forgive me. But aren't I terrible too? I'm part of race that only wants to pollute and conquer. Humans really do suck, don't they? If everyone else wasn't so bad and selfish and was just more willing to pitch in, couldn't we solve all of our problems? If only people cared about my causes. But they don't. Because they are ignorant and stupid and don't know as much as me. What happened to my plan? It didn't work because my boss had different ideas. If only he'd let me carry out my plan like I had envisioned, he would see that I was right all along! I think he doesn't like me. He must have a personal vendetta against me. I think that might of started when I pretended not to hear him say "hi," to me on Thursday morning. Why won't people listen to my ideas!? They are good. I wish someone would take them seriously. Is it the weekend yet? I just want to hit the bottle and laugh with my friends and have everyone nod their heads in agreement while I bitch about work. Yesterday I saw an out of shape person running on the trail during the summer season and I thought, "What are they doing?" Couldn't they spare us all by getting on a treadmill and losing some weight before choosing to go outside? I can run faster and for longer than they can because I've been committed to my health for longer then them. They are going to suffer from all sorts of problems from being out of shape. But that's something I'll never have to deal with! Damn I feel good. Aren't I the shit!
As you can see, in my own version of Hell, I'm the type of person who comes to believe that everyone else is the problem and who always complains about life's hardships. I also find a group of friends that keep me stuck in a mode where I don't take any responsibility for my own growth. I put others down to feel good about myself. So I've started working on my personal version of Hell, and as I learn more about myself over the years, I'll continue to carefully refine it.
Now that the shoals have been plotted, at least there's hope for me to navigate around them and avoid getting my keel stuck in the sand.