Do you know what happens to me as I get older and begin to understand myself better than I ever have? I discover more of what I'm capable of and my excitement for myself grows and grows. My dreams get wilder. Some of you will read that sentence and think, "There goes Kelan with his head in the clouds again."
Sure, you might be older than me. Sure, you're more knowledgeable than me. Sure, you're more established and confident in the role you've carved out for yourself. Sure, you're more skilled. Sure, you've been "at the grind" for longer than me. I'll happily concede those points.
But things won't stay that way.
Any which way, the reasoning sometimes goes, it's just a matter of time before I'll start to get "wiser" and realize that all the great things that I think I have in store for myself just won't pan out because of circumstances, unreliable people, family issues, fate, God's plans for me, etc.
The reasoning (if you could call it that) goes somewhat like this:
You don't have the willpower.
You don't have the strength.
You don't have the courage.
You don't have the tools it takes to overcome your crazy mind.
You don't have the means of support to go where you want to.
You don't have the discipline.
You don't have the judgement.
You don't have the spine.
Do you know how many times my own mind has tried to defeat me by saying these things? I'm to the point now where I'm beginning to realize that I have a choice when it comes to accepting these claims. I realize that I can choose to reject these notions about myself that my mind has concocted. I realize that if I choose to, that I cannot be defeated by myself. So what use will your words and attitudes about me be?
Here is my objective: To discover as much as I can about who this bag of skin and bones is so that I can give as much of myself to the world as possible. And yes, implicit within that objective is the belief that I have something to offer; that I have something valuable to give.
Do you know how much courage it takes to be surrounded by a broken group of people at the bar, knowing that what you're about to say will result in a flurry of questions, comments and laughter because they see the hope you have for yourself and your dreams that's in your eyes as just another opportunity to attack? Do you know how much courage it takes for me to continue to keep my cool and my chest puffed out and my shoulders back when I've got some insecure ass-hat in my face about me being a "piece of shit" when all that I've done is carried myself with some confidence, thrown darts with my friends, and done some people watching (which is normal by the way)? I used to get very angry when this kind of thing would happen to me. Now when it happens, I use these people as reminders. They are walking lessons about what happens when hope and confidence in yourself fades away. They are also good people to test your confidence against because they will use every tactic of emotional manipulation that's available in an attempt to get you to disavow your dreams and slam another five shots with them. Maybe if they can just get you drunk enough, they can win their pyrrhic victory by getting you to admit that you don't really believe in yourself in the way you say you do and prove the point they were trying to make all along: that only the fortunate, lucky, and born into privilege get to enjoy the benefits of a good life; that the only ones who get to enjoy unwavering faith in themselves are those dumb enough to believe in such foolishness.
These people are broken. Please take notice that I would never say that there's no hope for them, however! For I myself have been one of these broken people in my more morose moments! I do not exempt myself from feelings of worthlessness in the midst of the "little people," as some Saint might do, for I am capable of being very little and small minded indeed. Also take notice that I would never say that these people aren't worth loving, talking to, helping, or encouraging either! In principle, there's nothing preventing the broken people from rekindling their own fire. They are people, like any other people, who've had their dreams fail and, instead of looking at what they could have done better, have given up. These are the people who scoff at the idea of other people achieving their dreams because they themselves have "been there" and "done that" and it "didn't work out for them", so other people's dreams can't possibly work out. They've seen and done it all, apparently, and nothing worked. They've exhausted all possibilities and avenues in their own warped reality. They suffer from self-inflicted years of limiting their own minds. It's incredibly sad to see. But the presence of sadness does not indicate the absence of hope. In fact, I have found that there's beautiful hope to be found in sadness. I'm not quite sure how to describe that idea in more detail at the moment, however, so I'll have to settle for adding that idea to the immensely long list of other poorly initiated thoughts that I need to work on and give flesh to in another paper.
If I become quiet while sitting on the bar stool next to you, it's because I'm trying to figure out something about myself. I'm busy dreaming. If I don't answer you when you're seeking conversation in these moments of silence please don't get offended when I ignore you and don't reply. It's very important for me to be wholly focused in these moments and if I don't have any good answers for your questions at the time, it's because my mind is still churning and I'm not the type to pipe up and express myself unless I believe my thoughts are formulated well enough to be communicated effectively. When the time comes and I'm confident in explaining myself, I will. In the meantime, let me have my moment please. I'm not being selfish when I do this at the fireside, in the car's passenger seat, or when there's any other moment of peace, by the way. I leverage these moments to play the long game. If I get really lost in my own head, to the point of rudeness or at your detriment, however, for goodness's sake give me a good slap upside the head. I'll respond by laughing at my silly self and refocusing on the important task at hand.